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i got a new me i gave up smoking at 11am and i put a patch on and got my lozingers and after a few hours I got my vape. i cleaned kitchen and washed up theirs loads to do and me and dog sat out on a bench people watching for 40 mins was interesting of everyone going past. might just paint a picture tomorrow. i have not painted in ages. i got table to tidy and lots of cleaning to do. keeps me busy not thinking of smoking. i have done a month before now. but i will have a nightmare because of the patch. in the morning i will try wake up without having a cigarette. my mental health is feeling positive about this. might even start a new book and this time complete it. must remember to put chapter numbers in my first book i sent to amazon i had not put a chapters in and its not gone well. i will have to check up on it. so here saying good night with energy to breath and walk more.

i had a easy day took dog to park this morning and meet a person and their dog in park and then the dogs ran round and played then meet the elders in coffee one but they were late so took coffee out and sat on wall with the dog for 40 mins they turned up and we talked god for 30 mins then i walked Zela and i went to make tea and give Zela his tea we went out at 7pm and we had are last walk i am listening to a pod cast and got get early night as going to church tomorrow hopefully. but they never asked for my address and they wont be able to pick me up. but here is hoping. i will get up Earlie anyway. so much for my Sunday lie in. its been on off raining i also did a video of Zela holding my hand with his paw so when i lose him i can remember him holding my hand .he holds my hand a lot he’s great. so that’s my day ow as we sat and waited and watched people pass by we saw zela’s dog walker and she was just waiting for bus home. we see a lot when we sit and watch people and bump in to lots of people. so if you have time chose a bench sit down their for 40 minutes just to see who passes by.

I took dog on a two hour bus ride this morning and visited my ex and my friend Clair I took him to the beach and he loved . We had a long bus ride back and had a nice day out so on the bus I decided I was going to continue to try and afforded driving lessons so I phoned up emlyn and got one for October so I through I ally enjoy it and should preserver with it. So looking forward to get back driving. He’s an instructor that cheaper than what I had before so hopefully no hard feelings with last instructor but I could not get on with his meat hood of teaching. But I was with emlyn before and liked the way he did things and I will be gutted no more automatic handbrake I did think that was cool. Just coming out of last lessons that much closer to my test. Hopefully trying to get my licence to drive will be good it takes bus two hours but it would take an hour in a car so its a no brainer really so I have been up since 6am I bid you good night. It me who loves its me who hates me so please go easy on yourself I shall try too.

my imagination thinks that i am safe and in no harm could come

but truly living in a bubble

my day starts with waking to letting dog in garden

then make a coffee and have a pee.

call my ex on the Alexa

then get dressed and have another coffee and worry about taking dog for a walk because i will miss what’s going on at home wail my ex stays on the Alexa listing in.

i walk dog for about half an hour and then that’s his lot till 4pm.

i sit their watching this morning and then make coffee and not eating some days i will have cereal and others not. i feed dog when i get up and have my tablets. depending on what appointments i have I just sit their. really need to clean and do things. at 3pm my ex says goodbye he goes off till 7pm mean wail i am feeling scared stressed and alone. i am getting used the noise on the Alexa that he and his mum create. i need to get a life the highlight to my week is my appointments and my driving lesson. talking the dog further afield and i used to get busses to the beach with him until he decided not to listen but their are so many people on the beach this summer. will have to make it a point take dog to beach. i did turn the Alexa of Earlie and enjoyed the silence. i am num and don’t fell my Fellings or i will be weak on the floor. that’s me in a imaginary bubble.

so my mum died in 2019 i was struck with grief. my husband made this worse he would not sleep and was keeping me from getting my rest. he was always shouting about bills and the shopping and getting cigarettes. he made things so much worse his mum stopped talking to me and i over heard him talking to his mum saying Shes so bad and terrible and having a go at him all the time he would say. but i was tearing apart inside.. i cried all the time and police were called to the house i ended up leaving he played the ill with mental health and could not leave the house. he was unbearable to live with. so i called the police and they made him leave. then a few days later he came to the house and i stupidly let him stay as he said he would get a bedsit. it did not happen. what happened was i left in the late night with a case of stuff. i went to my sisters and they were not glad to see me but they let me in. my now soon to be ex was ringing my sister all the time and i had blocked him on mine. then i left in June and i had the nothing by November to get a puppy. i got the puppy but i was between homes and the only thing i could think was take him to Kosh my ex he be looked after. should not of done it. but that’s me stupid. i realized what a nightmare he was and then got a hotel with me and the dog for a week. then my sister checked with landlord and i was able to bring the puppy back to hers. i was a mess and the puppy was difficult like a baby he keept me awake all through the night. i was so tired. then in January i got a flat. nice flat with shared garden. i did a university cores and me and puppy trained and walked to beach every day. i was enjoying it. then my ex as i got a divorce, bought me a echo show so i could talk to him. i was on the PlayStation talking to his friends as well. they used to stress me out and make rude remarks. i lived in that flat 2 years and because the dog peed in a hidden spot and i was not cleaning the house it went bad to top it of i got a carpet cleaning machine to help clean the carpets. but one night i filled the water container and then by morning it had leaked out soaking the carpet. my ex in a mood came down and ripped out the carpet. so the landlord was not happy as was the letting agent i was evicted. ended up homeless. i had to relay on my ex to look after my dog again. he insisted i was up their every day. he would not walk zeal he said. so i had a flat to stay in with the council wail they found me proper place. i was going up to the dog every day feeling really low on energy. but i did it. then a break through i was found a place in cardigan an hour away from Aberystwyth. i took it. as my ex was getting aggressive with me again. so i took the dog and my stuff and moved to a nice place and at the time i was scared and their was no beach for the dog. after a wail i found a walk we could do still low on energy. i saw the doctor and she put me on antibiotics as she said i had a chest infection. i was talking to the people on PlayStation when they turned on me and was being aggressive so i said suck my dick and that was that they would not talk and they blocked me. so i sold the PlayStation and the only thing is i am still talking to Kosh on the echo show. some days has nice others he angry. but all the time i am on his mum listens in on the phone on Messager with him. i tried to block him but found i need to talk to him in morning to get to me up. sounds silly as it is. but to me i could not get through a morning without him really. you may have diffrent thought on that.

Its that that take things the wrong way that make the tragedy happen,

It was a day that was carm and serials its a day for classical tons and rain and thunderstorms. It is a real day of just tiredness and being. Quiet seranty.

The people who thought they cared say come talk to me anytime.

As you phone listing to shopan on the radio and noone replays. A wash of cars rolls over.

Its those who whish to be their and can’t be. That is a way it was.

It is those who we let in and they so hurt us

Yet they say its not them that hurt us

It was are own self who hurt us

Yet no-one can say how this conundrum happened as their is no one to set us straight,

It is though selves who cut you of from persons to help.

I have the light. I have been in darkness and now the tunnel is almost in my past. I have seen light at the end of the tunnel and its just as bright as sun shining in the sky bright and brings happiness.