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brave enough to continue

Crazycatlady

hi all not posted in a wail as i was blocking my ex from talking to me he wangled him self in again saying i would be better off siting their listen to him talking to his mum and playing loud whooshing sounds occasionally glassing towards the camera were I am.

my friends on my playstation are also friends of his. but they choose to stay with me. just today he phoned to tell me to unblock him on PlayStation i said no he made out a big deal about a sick cat he has and then i was their with a tear in my eye. as the people on PlayStation telling me i should not of answered the call and he phones on a withheld number and it could be my housing. i have heard nothing more from him. it hurt me he made me fell as if i could not function in my own house without him on video with me. well i spent the morning felling a bit weird not waking up to calling him but i did it and found my neighbours talking to me more i was not left all morning alone. i had the people saying hello wail i walked dog and i sat in garden talking to my neighbours and then i had a good day in the afternoon talking to friend also i went to pick up dogs flee medication to stop him getting flees and then i spoke to a nice lady their.

are second walk was just walking no of lead this afternoon as their were people with food around the park and he loves food that too much.

so now its 9pm i am going to rest and hope for a good day tomorrow.

hoping to get up earlie and not go back to bed till 11am again waisted most of my day.

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since my last post

Crazycatlady

since my last post i really took my own words and thought about it. i have been in a deep depression feeling dirty and letting my house get really dirty so i was hit with a cleaning bug and started cleaning you should of seen the year of dust under my mat alone. i am not finished but because i almost fell if it was not for a box placed in the right place i could of hurt myself. lucky enough i did not someone’s looking over me. well carmines came over me and no matter how my back hurt i needed to clean it was like having the beach sand with the dust i picked up. i felt as though i was good and not feeling dirty just took me a year and a half to get out of my deep depression. from feeling dirty and low and i was not thinking of myself very high. i wroght that poam and it really made me fell carm and controled of my life. i suggest any one look at my last post. it can help. so thinking i fell good now my floor clean and my things sorted but more tomorrow. i shall clean the bedroom and put a cover on my quilt for a wail in a long time.

to fell that sharp felling of carm and relizesion

to be feeling not dirty.

is a way of being happy.

going on as i need to go on.

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everythings gone to shit

Crazycatlady

i tried charging my phone all different wires some work for a wail others don’t now no wires work had to use crappy emergency phone and found out it needs a new battery but its old as the hills. its a z flip 3. i cant afford a new phone. I got two new things for my charismas i got another PlayStation as the guys are talking to me again and I got a air fryer I cooked cheese toasty in it and bacon i did a nice fish and chips in it too. but all needs to be cleaned and my drain on my sink is blocked for some reason. so my mental heaths been up and down i had a vodka and coke the other day and i did go for a second but i ended up putting it down sink maybe that help the blockage lol ha. but really i was walking dog not going to my volunteer job and not feeling like much charismas is coming and i will have no presents no decorations and no tree and no visitors. so not much to look forward too. i sent presents to my family but i don’t think they even care. they don’t answer phone for a two minute conversation. i have no hope of seeing them anytime soon it would make me so happy but not a chance of seeing them. so i had a bad back and had no one to walk dog so my back is getting worse. sorry all doom and moaning with me. i used to love chrismas but not anymore. meal for one it is.

its too be expected, the blue, blue, chrismas.

all alone and everyone a gly.

kids screaming santa,i see you.

thouse days of chrismas far behind me.

new familys starting the old tradition all too true.

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not doing good

Crazycatlady

my mental health is suffering i just got call from debt people then my computer decided to wipe itself. i am skint 0 balance with other bills unpayed. i am expecting a nice cheque from British gas but waited three months and no sign of it turning up. yet they send me letters to my bill statement yet it takes 10 days to send cheque so pissed of it would really help me right now. my mental health i fell tired and dont wont to go out. which i have to to ke dog as have no one else to do it.

i am down but you cant keep me down.

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high and low emotions

Crazycatlady

my emotions were high and low. i blocked my ex because i had a friend come and stay and he keept ringing and would not take no for a answer so i had to block him then he rang me on the phone i said i was busy and he was a asshole. my friend was like i got a friend like that to he understood. so night before i got no sleep and was up early and then all day. he left on bus at 3pm i went to bed and sleept all night i was depressed because of my ex ruwning everything. i got an interview at tesco whent well i thought. then an email about Oxfam i went to see the manager Thursday i start voleteering Monday happy days just need cash now for my bills. i got email this evening i had not got the job. well maybe keep looking. thats my few days and i am so tired i smoke at night and use spray and lozingers during the day.

this is world of wonder and pleased to be me but it is a scary world to be in real life.

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confusion

Crazycatlady

i had a few things happen in the days i last blogged i was texted by a friend i meet once in town i was a mess at the time and homeless. he wonted to come see me as he was in the area. so i said yes why not. well i meet him of bus and i took him to mine the dog was a lover him but lucky enough he was good with dogs. so i was a little apprehensive as did not now him that well and was worried he could turn in to a murdered and i go missing. the truth was he was gentle and would not hurt me. he stayed the night and he wonted to watch ghost investigation. as we watched it i felt like i was going to be richly murdered but he was a nice guy. he stayed night i slept a little but not much. it was put in my head by my ex that people were murders. not true, i got up at 4am and the dog stayed with me. my friend was asleep. i went for milk at 7am and then got cereal Aswell. my friend woke up at 9am i had taken dog for walk at 8am and then feed him. so by ten o clock my ex phoned on Alexa i canceled it I tried to tell him i was busy. he acted hurt wonted to now all my bissness. i had to block him. he just phoned me with private number. my friend understood he said yes i now someone who never takes no for a answer to. so we spent the day walking the dog. he caught bus home. now i was tired hurt by ex. confused. finding out my son was in a car accident but he’s ok. so i had not eaten and i made spaghetti in tomato sauce on toast made me fell better. now i just listen to my PlayStation crew talking games zombies.

deside to do your best not to be hard on your self. but be kind to yourself.

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my family

Crazycatlady

my sister seems to have it all together and it annoys me why wont she help me. she works and has a clean house her son thats 20 cleans the house when she doesn’t she goes on holidays. she sees my niece and nephew every weekend and she has two dogs but difference is she has someone at home helping her i have no one to walk the dog when i am sick and no one to help me clean my house is a mess and my dog is putting on weight. i have no one to drive me and the dog to the beach. i cant walk far as always out of breath cant give up as always tired when i do what do i do i need someone to come see and direct me but no one will. i am stuck in a hard place i have a scarf i am loom knitting and that i just did some put it down and not got motivation to pick it up again. my thoughts are rushing and my heart beat is fast. i just sit their hoping help comes but it doesnt.

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lost

Crazycatlady

i fell lost and confused one minute i am giving up smoking feeling positive to be looking for a job the next i lost my positivise then i missing appoints and being late. today i was supposed to wake early take the dog for a early walk then meet my it course at 10am and then i was to meet my work coach. but instead i got awake at 8am felling tired even though i slept the night and i did not get out of bed till 9.23 and then i took dog out and i had a call my milkman wonted to see were he be delivering the milk too. so i got to my course at half eleven and they were well in to it and i was sitting their doing nothing then when i saw work coach i was tired. yes i started smoking again this morning the night before i was just using the products they give you for a few days i find when i don’t smoke i get up late. when i smoke i can get up early except cant walk far and out of breath all the time but it confuses me so i go back to smoking but it seem it unconfused me it just not working its a evil thing to quit i have everyone say i should quit but no one to talk to when i need to talk it seems all my friends go in ground between 3pm and 6pm. so i am going to smoke for a wail but i don’t now how to tell my advice at stop smoking Wales. seems i have let them down too many times already so next time i will have to do it without the adviser he was useless anyway. in my mental state i am lost and lonely and just wont to give up. i wont give up for my dogs sake but i will become lazy and relax till i am ready even though everyone pushes me i had a break down last time i worked i had three jobs and i was over whelmed like today i felt overwhelmed. noise was making me annoyed silently. i was acting normal but the tv was annoying and the noise with my ex on the alexa. i sat this afternoon with quiet but it did not help i shall try my medition hopefully it helps. sorry no quoto today not feeling good. see you again for more in the saga of my life.

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its me again

Crazycatlady

i am still battling with giving up smoking i turned to vaping but it takes to long when i need to charge the vape. i am talking to my PlayStation crew again but have to do it through the app on my phone as i sold the console a wail ago. so i try use lozenges in-between charges or chewing gum but i was using to many puffs of the vape well its takes time. wail i talk to the PlayStation crew i don’t have my ex on the Alexa. he wont talk to me wail I talk to them or rather Lisen to them moan about their game. as i talk they cant hear me well. but my mental health is thinking wail their chatting I don’t have much to worry about. its when they all leave and I am alone that i am thinking I fell lonely. i in the thoughts of getting a new PlayStation but i cant afford one. so i just have to be content with app on phone. i am saying i wont one but i have to not get food shopping for that and i cant do it. i tried saving and it did not work always took it out for something. went to creative writing class last Wednesday and they did Halloween storys. i went good getting things out in poem’s things like

what make you scared?

as well as if you were in the dark what would you see?

i made good story’s in ten minutes. they sounded more like poems.

heres a thought of day

so what if i went to the shop and ended up at a festival all-night?